I was speaking to a friend about need vs. neediness. Human beings need other humans. We have since Noah’s Ark. That’s why the animals grouped into pairs.We need to have people in our lives. The need for contact is a normal human function. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs he studied healthy, not neurotic or mentally ill people. High functioning people need love and belonging.There are five parts to the triangle. It’s the third tier which Maslow called Love/Belongingness.
Then we have neediness. It has a quality of desperation, feels demanding, a sense of obligation. It’s not respecting boundaries. Human beings are repulsed by the tendency to cling.
In Hope’s book Motherless Daughters, she did extensive research on girls who lost their mother’s early. Along with the damage there is also the bright side. Because they were pushed into premature adulthood and attending to everyone else’s needs as well as their own, some motherless daughters become fiercely independent women who have difficulty depending on others. It’s been one of my greatest challenges. I wrecked a brand new car because I couldn’t ask for help. I recently went on a trip and a friend wanted to bring me to the airport. Instead of asking for help, I drove myself. I was in a hurry and busted my rear view mirror. That was because I didn’t want to ask for help.
Another component motherless daughters claim is they are survivors. Having so much adversity gave me an ability to withstand anything. Having such a loss so young gave me a toughness and resilence. I always find a way to push through.
But the self reliance has also been a way to keep people at a distance. What used to be a handful of people that I would let get close, has grown. Progress and self actualization. I’m much better than 10 years ago and I’ll be better tomorrow.Sat Nam!